I have a baby! And he is a surprise BOY!!! My sweet little Sawyer Surprise. :)
Sawyer Rain Ramirez was born at home in Pismo Beach at 8:54pm on June 3rd, 2022. This birth experience was similar yet also very different from my first home birth (both were very empowering!) and it fills me with joy to share about my experience. <3
Read it all, skip to different chapters, or check out the end to share in my greatest lesson learned from this birth.
It all began… with a crock of shit
Aka prodromal labor
It’s hard to say exactly when Sawyer’s labor began because this was sort of a multi phase event.
Let’s start with this: my “due date” was May 29th and every person with an opinion EVER was very vocal in telling me that baby girl was definitely coming early (that’s right, our ultrasound showed it was a girl!). My family was taking guesses that I’d be not just days, but several weeks early! I started to thoroughly believe this too and I even had a false alarm at 38 weeks on the dot that got me extra hot and bothered... after climbing a huge flight of stairs up from the beach and holding my toddler in the outside shower to clean him off (when I already had a full bladder and needed to pee)… I thought my water broke! Turns out I guess I just peed my pants a tiny bit. Hey, I was in the warm shower with a full bladder, holding my toddler over my belly! This cute little pelvic floor is fully excused. Anyways, after that false alarm shit got real in my world and I was like ohhhhhh fuck, baby girl will be here any minute now! Surely, any moment!
So, surprise surprise when my due date came and went weeks later without a peep. I had been having Braxton hicks for weeks and all sorts of crazy sensations down there, but on due day it was like NOTHING! Crickets up in this bitch. Sawyer ended up being born 5 days “late.” Which just goes to show you the whole due date is just a guessing game invented to mess with mamas’ minds.
Anyways, our birth story begins on June 2nd, aka four days “late” (which, when you’re 40 weeks pregnant, feels like an absolute eternity). It was 7pm when I started to realize I was actually getting a fair amount of steady contractions (or “pressure waves” as we call them in HypnoBabies). Huzzah! Hubby and I were like oh wow, she’s coming! Hubby went into crazy nesting mode getting the living room all clean (we wanted to have a nice environment for birth!) while I enjoyed my final hours with just Koda. He and I read books and took funny pictures and snuggled up. I decided to just carry on with our normal bedtime routine to take care of Koda and in the wild off chance this labor didn’t progress, at least I would be ready for bed and could try to get some rest. I took a shower with Koda and sat on the shower floor cuddling him. It was one of my favorite parts of this whole experience. I felt so connected to him and like I could really see things clearly in those moments together in the water. Like I appreciated him and our connection on a whole new level. Like those moments together were all that mattered, maybe even all that existed.
Ray and I got Koda asleep in bed and turned to each other to verbalize what we had both noticed: pressure waves seemed to be subsiding. What the hell? But I also threw out my knowledge on the natural phenomenon that I had heard about where as soon as the older kid goes to sleep, labor picks up for mama because her body knows it’s safe and ready for birthing time! As soon as I said this, contractions picked up again! I had 3 in like 10 minutes! And then they stopped again… confusing! Long story short, for the whole night I continued to have pressure waves but they were irregular and inconsistent. I decided to try and sleep to be as rested as possible in case the big moment came around. During the night I listened to a few HypnoBabies tapes out loud, but truth be told I was not fully in the zone. It was a weird time cause I didn’t understand if this was labor or not! It felt like it wasn’t fully there, yet I was totally feeling these contractions. I was basically up the whole night with a couple small naps here and there. I would wake up groaning with discomfort and moan into my pillow, trying not to wake Ray or Koda up. And that was that.
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Or in this case, just after it
By the time morning came I felt completely defeated. I checked in with my FaBuLoUs midwife who said my description sounded like prodromal labor (aka “false labor,” which is a pretty shitty term for it because you feel everything as if you’re in early labor ((cause you kind of are?)). There’s nothing false about it! Oh yeah, except for the fact that labor doesn’t progress and results with zero babies in the room. But like my midwife said, I too believe that all pressure waves are doing something!). She also told me that this night of prodromal labor unfortunately didn’t give us a much clearer idea of when baby would come. Could be tonight or could be several more days. Fuckin A.
I did a little Googling of prodromal labor (now there’s a good way to freak yourself out), and learned that some women go through days, weeks, or even months of prodromal labor prior to birth. Holy crap. I wouldn’t wish that on ANYONE! So that wasn’t encouraging to read. But one thing I learned from Google that definitely did resonate with me is the theory that one reason why a mama’s body may go through prodromal labor is to work baby into better positioning for birth. Then the body takes a rest before entering the main event. I think this is what my body was doing!!! For months baby had been in optimal positioning and then just a few days before labor he shifted into positioning where back labor was more of a possibility. I was totally tripping on this and concerned about going through back labor (in hind sight, it is what it is, yo!). I had been doing some inversions and cat-cows to try and adjust positioning, but I think that’s why my body decided to endure the prodromal night from hell—to get baby ready for his perfect dismount.
Was prodromal labor and its aftermath really that bad? Not exactly. But I let myself feel defeated the next morning when things didn’t progress. I was straight crying in bed, having ALL the thoughts and feelings.
“I can’t do this.”
“I don’t want to do this.”
“I could just go to the hospital and get an epidural.”
“I shouldn’t have to suffer.”
“I feel so tired and weak and NOT in my power.”
Wah, wah, wah. It was like the sad little girl inside me was coming out in a big way and I momentarily forgot about the powerful woman that I am. I had taken a Benadryl mid morning to help me get a couple hours sleep (still waking up with inconsistent contractions), and while this did help me get some MUCH needed rest, it also made me feel groggy and extra tired, which I think contributed to my wah wah phase. Needless to say, I was just a hot mess.
Ready for a change
1pm
And THEN my husband came to the rescue. I had let myself get into a little post-Benadryl-false-labor-K-hole in our bedroom for real. I was just trying to rest but I was feeling so crappy I didn’t realize that I was letting my mental game completely throw me off and out of my power. My hubby encouraged me to come out to our living room to “hang out” for a bit.
Okay, fine.
I came out and then everything changed! My energy shifted. My mood lifted. I was still getting inconsistent pressure waves and still unsure what the hell was going on with my body, but I remembered my ambition and my promise to myself to do my absolute best to ENJOY my birthing day! Yeah, it’s a challenging time, but it’s so significant and it’s a day that I knew I would remember for the rest of my life, so I felt dedicated to making that day awesome. Once I remembered this, I started legitimately having a good time. It’s a birthday party now!
I love my doula
I talked on the phone with my doula and she asked if she could come over. I felt bad, like I didn’t want her to have to hang around all day if this was more false labor, but she counted my pressure waves while we were on the phone together, she heard it in my voice and she used her intuition to know it was time for her to head on down to beautiful Pismo. I’m sooo thankful she wanted to come then because I loved having her around. She made snacks (like cucumber slices with hummus and dates), and kept me well hydrated. She burned some cedar and spread good energy. She brought her grandmother’s comb for me to use during labor (squeezing a comb in your hand can help distract from labor sensations. I only used it for a few minutes but I actually noticed it totally helped!). It wasn’t long after Victoria arrived that it became very apparent that this was the big day after all! Things were picking up. Whistle tips go woot woot!
Porcelain Dreams
In the land of a thousand pees
One interesting thing that was very different for me during this labor is the record breaking number of times I took a piss. It felt like every 20 minutes I was asking Ray to help me hobble on down to the bathroom. It was uncomfortable making that trek every time, yet there was also something oddly comforting about it, because of the level of care and love that Ray showed me. <3 He was sooo caring, my rock, helping me up and down from that toilet like a million times, letting me stop and hug him super tight during pressure waves, reminding me of my HypnoBabies cue, “peeeeeaaaaccceeee.” And all of this with a broken foot. Ray is a rock star. We were such a team. So somehow the bathroom was trying yet overall good times!
Turn on, tune in, drop out
Astro traveling in the hypno sweat lodge
4pm
It wasn’t long after Victoria arrived that the next phase began—the best phase! I had been enjoying hanging out with her and Ray and liked being social (a great distraction!), but as sensations progressed I decided it was time to PUT THE HEADPHONES ON and get in my HYPNO ZONE. I had been practicing HypnoBabies (a hypno birthing program) almost every single day for several months leading up to birth, and one thing I understood 100% was that for it to work, you gotta get your headphones on and stay focused. It helps to be in a completely supported position so you can truly relax your body. So, I decided to lay under Koda’s teepee. :) My 21 month old, Koda, has a little teepee perched on a temperpedic queen bed on the floor of our living room (oh we classy huh), and suddenly it seemed like the perfect place to be. I laid in there with all of his stuffed animals and it was blissful. I loved being surrounded by his stuffies in his zone—it was like we were cuddling and I was benefiting from all his good energy even if he wasn’t there (we had arranged to have my mom pick him up a couple hours prior. I would have loved to have him there for birth but it also seemed potentially stressful so off he went). I also loved laying in there cause it felt amazing to get horizontal, get supported with lots of pillows and stuffies, and let my sore body totally relax. The headphones were on. I started some hypno tapes. And I was off.
And then it happened. This is where the self-hypnosis worked. My countless hours of sacrificing my personal and family time to diligently practice throughout my entire third trimester actually paid off! The experience was like a deep meditation. Very much within, but also traveling out. The hypno tapes are like a guided meditation where you are being continuously fed positive encouragement about your labor and continuously reassured that you are comfortable and everything is going smoothly and easily for you. Listening to them during labor was AWESOME. I freakin got in the zone and it worked! I wouldn’t call the process easy, but definitely worth it! I think I was able to experience two fairly intense pressure waves without ANY “pain.” As for the rest of that phase, I felt sensations but frankly they felt way more manageable than the previous night of prodromal labor (and I was MUCH more progressed at this teepee point!) because of my mental state.
I used a lot of visualization during my pressure waves in the sweat lodge (it was freakin hot and at some point I said the teepee was like a sweat lodge so we just called it that from then on!). HypnoBabies says that hypnoanesthesia is a bright orange light so I visualized and felt this orange light gently moving throughout my body. During each pressure wave, I visualized this orange light moving within and around me like a mushroom cloud moving out. I would see and feel it explode and then implode. Like rising and falling tides. I didn’t plan this visualization or even intend to do it, it just happened for me. And it simultaneously happened in my mind’s eye, in my body, and all around me, like a universal flow of atomic energy. Also similar to a powerful reiki (I’m a level 2 practitioner).
I rolled along with this best phase for a few hours. Near the start of it, Victoria and Ray actually thought I was sleeping because I was so quiet and peaceful! I guess my groaning truly stopped as I got in the zone. I found it more comforting to be quiet and just breathe through waves. I didn’t need to make sounds anymore. I could just be peaceful. After a couple hours though, things got pretty intense. Now when I asked Ray to take me to the bathroom, my entire body was shaking (a sign of transformation!). I felt hot and then cold. I had a handful of pressure waves where the peak was so intense that it felt like it would burst out of my body. But through it all I remained calm inside. I stayed in my meditative state and felt confident. I remember having an intense wave and at the peak of it I felt a little pop down there (what was that?). I told Ray we should probably hit up Justine (my midwife) soon. A couple waves later I started to get the intense desire to push during the wave. Okay, red flag here!!! My midwife had asked me earlier in the day if I felt the urge to push at all, so I knew this was a sign. I called Ray over and said we needed to call Justine like RIGHT NOW. Sure enough, she was there 15 minutes later. I think she checked my vitals (it’s a bit blurry!), and listened to baby’s heart beat. But basically she took one look at me and said, “your baby’s coming, it’s time to get in the tub!” With a big smile on her face, of course. :)
Birth Tub Time Machine
8pm
I could hardly believe it! It happened so fast! I went from “is this even labor? What the hell is going on?” to “it’s tub time, baby!” in a few short hours. I remember objecting, saying “aren’t we supposed to wait until right before pushing to get in the tub?” And Justine said that I was there! So in I went. Moving around when baby is that low and ready to go is challenging, so I’m glad I only had to make one trek to the tub this time around.
Being in the birth tub felt so amazing. :) The warm water was so comforting on my body and it was nice to be buoyant and take some pressure off! Ray and Victoria apparently got the tub filled JUST in time (who knew, I was in lala land), so everything worked out perfectly! During my first birth, the water felt a bit too warm and being in there actually stalled my labor, so after about an hour I got out of the tub and pushed on the living room floor for another 3 hours before Koda was born. This time I learned my lesson and got a floating thermometer so we could make sure to get the temperature more comfortable. It was a bit warm again so the midwife assistants threw some ice packs in to bring it down—I was glad to have the thermometer! My helpers also kept me cool by putting cold towels on face and neck, dripping cold water over my head, and sticking an ice pack in my bra. The cold against the warm felt great! It was also nice being in the tub because it was so pretty. <3 Victoria brought beautiful flowers that floated around on top. While I was in early labor, Ray and Koda picked a few flowers from the garden too and those special sunflowers floated around, like little encouraging sun bursts. It was a nice reminder that this was an intentional party.
And the pushing phase… for me at least, this is where I truly met my maker (again). I had done so much to get to this point (in some ways, I did nothing cause my only goal up to that point in labor was to relax, breathe, and let my body birth this baby!). But now… my time for a significantly more active role was here. Time to push this baby out. This had by far been the part I was most anxious about prior to labor because I had such a difficult pushing phase for my first birth (four hours after 28 hours of labor is a long time to push!). It’s exhausting. I wondered what I had learned from that first birth and hoped that I’d be able to do it smoother (literally?) the second time around. But I also had faith that somehow, some way, this was definitely going to be way smoother.
I pushed a few times and could feel his head crowning with my hand. This was encouraging! I started to give it my all and that’s when the holy fucking shit whirlwind began for me. I remember biting the edge of the birth pool and pulling on Ray’s shirt as I clung to him over the edge of the tub. HypnoBabies has a special track to play out loud during the pushing phase. I asked my helpers to turn up the volume more and more and more because it was getting difficult to focus. The bodily sensations were so intense at that point. There were also a fair amount of people in the room and this didn’t help with the focusing inward aspect. I was encouraged knowing that each push could be the last one, but I also felt a few flashbacks to my first birth where it felt like I would be pushing FOR-EH-VER. I tried to stay positive by continually shaking off the holy fucking shit vibes and attempting to recenter myself constantly. I know I was definitely screaming some primal sounds. I was grasping. And also letting go.
My midwife told me that (oddly enough, just like with my first birth…), baby was in the sack again! My water never broke. Since the sack was still intact, this was slowing down the pushing phase, but not to worry. If I had done it before I could do it again! I tried to push that bowling ball out. I realized that somehow I was back in that same place I had been in the night I birthed Koda… between worlds… out of body but also VERY much in my body. In a moment it was like God slapped me across the face, shaking me out of an acid trip, and suddenly I realized that I was in the middle of giving birth. I was back at the pushing phase (which would turn out to last a total of about 30 minutes).
The moment
“Just like spittin’ out a watermelon seed”
-words that actually came out of my mouth during pushing
8:54pm
I was in a squatting position under water when it happened. After making lots of primal sounds for some time, I became totally silent. During my last pressure wave I focused on the birthing breath that I had been working on with my SIL (a pelvic floor therapist). I called it “the blossoming butthole.” In essence, it’s different from what I would consider “just pushing,” because you’re relaxing your pelvic floor and pushing it down, not letting it tighten up. Aaaaand his head came out. :) Hallelujah. I knew it happened even without my birth team saying anything, and I think I might have had my hand down there to feel too. I was so proud. Instinctively and without direction, I crawled forward onto my hands and knees in an all fours position and gave another push to birth the rest of his body. I don’t even remember that part being uncomfortable because I was so stoked and amped on myself for doing it. I knew I was birthing my baby like a champ!
And out he came. :) I said, “catch her, Ray!” Since I had a last second change of positions maybe I kinda surprised my hubby who had been sitting at the edge of the birth tub just behind me, and now he was in perfect positioning to catch! And he did catch her… well… him! Ray weaved the tiny baby between my legs, being mindful of the cord, and brought him up toward the surface in front of me. I took him into my arms under water and my heart grew five times its normal size. I knew my baby was here and safe and healthy and that everything in the world was okay. I brought him up through the surface and the sack that had been delivered with him and was floating on/around him like a veil slipped off of his head as he emerged. I brought him up to my chest. I was holding my baby!!!! At last!!!! I felt SOOO happy and confident and instantly like everything was worth it and all was in alignment. Even though I was looking at my baby I was mostly feeling my baby energetically and some physically. I decided to take my baby all in so I looked down… holy shit… “IT’S A BOY!!!!!!” I cried out!! Haha I was SO shocked and it was an awesome surprise. I looked at my hubby who was smiling so big. I don’t know how the ultrasound missed that junk cause DAMN!
More Things Happened
Sawyer (who wouldn’t be named for another eight days) and I stayed in the tub together, cuddling for quite some time. Enjoying the water, the flowers, and just looking at each other.
Eventually we got out and laid back on the floor mattress together. It took a little while for the placenta to feel ready to come out, so we just chilled together! After the placenta did come out, Daddy cut the cord (it was nice to stay connected for so long). While we were physically separated by this, I felt (and still feel) energetically connected to baby. I was honestly pleasantly surprised at how very connected I felt to him. Like we both continued to depend on each other to exist for some time.
Next up was the not so fun part… evaluating my glorious coochie. I had a second degree tear that needed some healing. But it wasn’t as severe as my first birth! With Koda, I had a third degree, almost fourth degree tear, that was very uneven and took a long time to heal. The second time around it was a second degree, almost third tear, that was straight and even. So that’s improvement! Generally speaking, once a woman has torn it makes her more likely to tear again with subsequent births, so I was being quite mindful of this leading up to birth and I still felt like the status of things down there was an overall success. My midwife gave me stitches to help ensure things would close up nicely down there. Today I am five weeks postpartum and things are feeling good in that department.
We all migrated to the bedroom and I got to lay down in my glorious bed (there’s nothing quite like that feeling!). Justine and her apprentices performed a newborn exam on our healthy little guy and all was well! Sawyer finally latched and I remembered all the breastfeeding feels. It was around 11:30pm when all of the birth team had taken off and it was rest time. Nothing quite like that blissful feeling of snuggling up in bed after just giving birth with your partner and your brand new baby. <3
And we’re living happily ever after!
I believe it’s important for mamas to own our birth stories. Make peace with it and reconcile any pieces of it that you need to. Learn from it. What wisdom can be found there?
My greatest lesson from this birth
For me, my biggest lesson came from the transition from my post-Benadryl-false-labor-K-hole bad attitude doom-and-gloom-outlook to totally transforming myself into feeling calm and positive and actually enjoying my birthing day. In a very quick time period too. It’s incredible how everything depended on my mental state (shocking). My perception of the experience shaped the experience for me. Definitely switching up my environment helped (moving from bedroom to living room), and this also changed my body positioning, it put me back around other people, etc. but my attitude and mental game was huge. This is something I’ve already understood well (that everything depends on your perception, thoughts and attitude), but it was enlightening to see and feel it play out in such a big way for me in this momentous occasion.
It’s a good reminder that can be applied throughout life. If you dwell on the negative, shit will suck for you. If you make a little effort, things will improve. If you make a lot of effort, you can experience massive shifts that will quickly change your reality. Literally.
Can you imagine what would have happened if I had stayed all negative in the bedroom, entering true labor like that? Fuuuuuuck that! Praise jah I came home to myself and reconnected with my natural badass goddess self, because everything from there on out was pretty epic. The sweat lodge hypnosis trip was seriously so cool. Yeah, pushing had its other worldly challenges (ring of fire, anyone?), but I totally crushed it out like a GD champion. I am a queen!!!! I feel so powerful!!! I feel like a WOMAN!! I have now birthed TWO beautiful boys completely unmedicated, in the power of my own home. It’s incredible. If I can do that, I can do anything. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m ready to live life on my own terms as a proud boy mama. Praise jah!
xoxo Mama Clare
PS— I’m going to write a separate blog post going into more detail about my experience using HypnoBabies! If this interests you and you have any questions, pop them in a comment below. :)
Check out my first home birth story from 2020 here.
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